As we are battling the ongoing global coronavirus pandemic , there is a more sinister pandemic spreading unnoticed. The pandemic of Bros love hearting the facebook posts of other Bros.
So on the issue of men love-hearting other men’s Facebook posts, the following are the facts as presently understood.
You see, I have always been a competent and very able scholar of the Bro code; the code of conduct between Bros that has regulated the relations between Bros since biblical times.
No one knows how the Bro code came into being exactly, but legend has it that the Bro code came into existence as a document and code of absolute necessity after the unfortunate killing of Abel by his brother Cain, in the first documented case of the Bro-Icide, the homicide of a Bro, by a Bro.
A need to regulate the relations between Bros, or brolations, thus arose to avoid further unnecessary cases of Bro-Icide . The reason Cain did this is because there was no agreed upon set of laws to govern the conduct between Bros. Thus the Bro code was born to preserve decorum between Bros the world over.
Since God was basically a Bro, he gave Cain the worst available curse then. He cursed Cain to roam the world alone for all eternity without a wingman; and we all know what that means. He will never meet chics.
It is generally agreed upon that God gave the Bro code to the first legit Bro, Broses, on mount Sinai alongside the 10 commandments. The veracity of this information is of course, like the Bible, very difficult to ascertain.
Since the Bro code is a living document it has gone through many amendments and addenda to properly adapt to the different eras it has lived through. It is a living document that continues to evolve to date
Let me set the tone for this conversation. The Bro code is sacrosanct. I know there is an outside likelihood that you probably didn’t understand that big word I used, so look it up. A Bro is naturally expected to know big words in whatever language he chooses to express himself in.
There are things that are against the letter of the Bro code and are outrightly outlawed. There is no wiggle room around them. For instance:-
Article 17 of the Bro code states;
‘’ A Bro shall NOT send a greeting card to another Bro. There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the physical and emotional distance of electronic mail.’’
Article 28 of the Bro code states;
‘’ If two Bros decide to ‘catch’ a movie together, they shall NOT attend any screening that starts later than 4pm. Also despite, and irrespective of, any intended cost savings, they shall not share a tub of popcorn, choosing to instead procure individual bags.’’
Then there are things that are outlawed but admissible under certain conditions. For instance:-
Article 15 states;
‘’A Bro shall not carnally know, nor seek carnal congress with, the sister of a Bro’’
Addendum to article 15;
If a Bro shall come to know that the sister of a Bro is a consensus 9 and above in the scale of hotness, then she is no longer protected under the provisions of article 15. The Bro in question is thus free to seek relations of an intimate variety with said sister without being in contravention of article 15
Corollary: A solemn proclamation by atleast three Bros under oath, who are not under an unreasonable influence of drugs, constitutes consensus.
Note: For the avoidance of conflict, it’s in everyones’ interests that Bros with really hot sisters keep this knowledge away from other Bros. They are also encouraged to Bro-proof their houses before a Bro-ccassion, or an occasion involving Bros, by keeping all photos of really hot sisters safely out of sight.
Article 99 states;
‘’ A Bro never asks for directions when he is lost’’
- A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chic who appears to know the area.
- A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chic even if she also appears lost.
- A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chic even if he is not lost.
Corollary: The hotness threshold for said hot chic is a minimum 7.5 on a scale where J-Lo is a consensus 9.
Then there are things there are things that are left to the discretion of an individual Bro. By way of example:-
Article 37 states;
‘’ A Bro is under no obligation to open a door, nor pull out a chair for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional sports leagues, then they can as well open their own doors and pull out their own chairs. Honestly, they are not that heavy.’’
Article 97 states;
‘’A Bro may drive a Bro to the airport, or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is however under no obligation to be on time, help with the luggage or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being.’’
Then there things that are considered to be mandatory. By way of example:-
Article 71 states;
‘’A Bro MUST alert at least one other Bro, and in a timely manner, when the observed Bro/chic ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid a Bro-flation, or an inflation of thirsty bros, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/chic ratio at a party without first disclosing the presently observed ratio.”
Article 87 states;
‘’ When asked ‘’do you need help?’’, a Bro SHALL automatically respond ‘’ I got this’’, regardless of whether or not he actually got it.’’
Now, in the instances where the letter of the code is silent, then the spirit of the code must be considered to determine whether certain conduct between Bros is admissible.
A competent Bro of good standing, whose membership with the galactic Bro council is up to date, and who has proven legal acumen and astute knowledge of the Bro code, may be called in to rule on a contentious issue and to further issue a temporary decree.
Any decree thus proclaimed where none previously existed, is considered to be binding to all Bros everywhere. It will be considered binding until the next Bronvention , a bi-decennial event, where if it is ratified by the the council of experts, it shall the form part of the laws that comprise the universal Bro code.
Now the issue of Bros using a love-heart to react to another Bros Facebook post is very contentious. Presently, the letter of the Bro code is silent on it, seeing as it were, it is a pretty novel phenomenon.
While it may not violate the letter, it grossly violates the very spirit of the Bro-code. Excessive shows of affection between Bros is very frowned upon by the code. Emotional distance between Bros is sacrosanct. By way of example
Article 37 states;
“Bros do not share dessert “
Article 42 states;
“Upon greeting a Bro, a Bro may engage in a fist bump, a high five or a Bro hug, but NEVER a full embrace”
Article 51 states;
‘’A Bro is under no obligation to remember the birthday of a Bro’’
On the weight of those submissions, I, as a competent Bro of good standing, decree that;
‘’ A Bro may not, under whatever circumstances, react to the Facebook post of another Bro with a love-heart. Further, a Bro shall be measured in his use of the love heart icon and should instead restrict it for use to react to photos of really hot girls.”