On Bros and the relations between a liquid Bro and a less liquid Bro.
All the following submissions are in accordance with the spirit and letter of the Bro code, the agreed set of laws and principles that have governed Brotherly relations since Biblical times.
The Bro code is sacrosanct, naturally.
When it comes to monetary matters, all Bros cannot be blessed equally. It is an inescapable fact of life. At any point in time, some Bros will be more liquid than others, period.
There is no law in the Bro code that prohibits two Ninjas of varying economic might to be Bros. I could be Bros with Mark Zuckerberg if I knew where he lived. That too would be subject to the immigration department of the good US government, in a moment of uncharacteristic weakness, granting a visa to my impoverished self.
In the course of Human events, a need to regulate relations between Bros with financial muscle and those not so similarly fiscally endowed arises.
In my village, very high purchasing power is associated with white people due to their ‘obvious’ prosperity on TV. It thus follows that any persons with an above average purchasing power is always referred to as ‘Mùthùngù’ here.
Mùthùngú is Gíkùyù for ‘Mzungu’, or the white man. It is customary, and respectful, out here to refer to a potential buyer as ‘Mùthùngù wakwa’, My Caucasian.
From here on out, for the lack of a more dramatic term, we shall refer to the more liquid Bro as Mùthùngù, devoid of any racial connotations. This is because Bros are usually encouraged to be dramatic in all their endeavors.
The following shall be the rules of engagement between Bros of non-equal liquidity. This shall be the de-facto food chain.
On this inaugural edition, we shall restrict ourselves to instances of partaking of beverages of the intoxicating variety by two or more Bros. We shall address all other instances in subsequent publications. We shall be exhaustive in our exercise.
Throat irrigation is a sacred tradition amongst Bros. Bros shall endeavor to irrigate their tonsils with liquids of the intoxicating nature together at least once every quarter. For the avoidance of doubt, this is every quarter of a standard calendar year. Those that are teetotalers are not exempt from this directive, though they are allowed to consume beverages of their choice.
Whenever two or more Bros of varying purchasing power shall cross paths during an oropharynx hydration drill, the most liquid of the Bros shall have the presumed right of way. He shall be the interim Mùthùngù.
I will naturally assume that you know what oropharnyx means because while a Bro shall be excused for low liquidity, he shall not be excused for grammatical deficiencies. A Bro knows all big words in their chosen language of expression, naturally.
Note: measure of liquidity shall be on a prima facie basis. Higher purchasing power on the material day shall be inferred as higher overall liquidity. This shall be regardless of how many ‘plots’ and ‘rentals’ any other persons on the table has. If the plots and rentals shall not be present at the table, then they shall remain at the periphery of all conversations.
Note: For one to be considered the presiding Mùthùngù of any particular gathering; his observed purchasing prowess shall be disproportionately higher than the rest of the Bros.
One shall also not speculate on their own potential purchasing power, choosing rather to show it by actions.
The following truth shall be assumed to be self evident, that the Mùthùngù shall retain the right of first refusal in all fine and/or good things.
When laying foundations for alcoholic drinks through the consumption of roasted, boiled or fried animal proteins; the mùthùngù shall have the exclusive and unlimited right to choice morsels. All other Bros shall ensure that all prime steaks and other choice pieces are well within his reach and vision. He shall, under no circumstances, gnafw on bones.
The less liquid bros shall gnaw on the bones. If there is a descending quality of meat, the pieces shall be picked in order of diminishing liquidity. Diminishing liquidity shall be inferred by volume of one’s purchases on the material day.
Also, when these non-vegan delicacies are first brought to the table, the Mùthùngù shall have the first dance. He shall open proceedings with the first bite. If any other party proceeds to have the first bite without first being expressly invited to do so by the Mùthùngù, the offending party shall bear the full costs of the meal. If he does, he shall then assume the office of Mùthùngù pursuant to a reasonable fulfillment of all other ‘buying’ roles.
If the offending party is found to be otherwise insolvent, he shall be required to spit out the piece, apologize profusely and take no further part in the meal. If the infraction is adjudged to be heinous enough, he shall be required to take leave of the entire social interaction.
If force becomes necessary, the security apparatus of the establishment shall be invited to enforce this isolation. A Bro shall not physically assault another Bro, economic standing notwithstanding
The Mùthùngù is however at liberty to issue a blanket amnesty to the offending party at any point during those disciplinary proceedings
If the Mùthùngù is throwing, no other party shall be at liberty to summon the waiting staff. This shall be the prerogative of the mùthùngù. The Mùthùngù shall however be at liberty to delegate this most noble of tasks to any other able Bro of his choice . If any other party, without being legally empowered to do so, summons the waiting staff, this will be taken as an attack on the Mùthùngù’s procurement abilities.
As a direct consequence, the offending party shall no longer enjoy the benevolence of the mùthùngù’s abundance.
This withdrawal of charity shall be extended to all costs previously incurred by the offending party and he shall then meet the full costs of his indulgences.
Drinks shall be ordered only after the Mùthùngù glass is empty. No party, regardless of how arid their throats are, shall match the Mùthùngù’s rate of consumption of fluids. All parties shall maintain a respectful distance behind the swallowing rate of the palate of the Caucasian.
The following formula shall be used to calculate the admissible distance.
P< M+ 45
P =Peasant time in seconds
M= Mùthùngù’s time in seconds.
If anyone shall order for drinks outside of this period, they shall incur an automatic blanket forfeiture of partaking in the Mùthùngù’s largesse.
i) The Mùthùngù is always right.
ii) In the instances when it becomes self evident that the Mùthùngù is wrong, you shall refer to section 3(i).
If the Caucasian tells a story of an event in Cairo, Tunisia, riddled with dubious facts, you will heartily endorse it. If the Mùthùngù notices a factual incosistency in any of his stories, the least funded Bro shall endeavor to take blame for not being more vigilant in pointing out the factual inconsistencies. Even a contemporary Atlas shall not refute the veracity of the Mùthùngù’s assertions; if he says Cairo is in Tunisia, then it is in Tunisia. End of discussion.
All parties shall be in agreement with all the facts put forth by the Mùthùngù. The Caucasian shall not be taken to task by any party, or challenged, to validate the veracity of any information he shares with the gathering.
The Mùthùngù shall not be subject to the riguors of proof.
Telling jokes is a sole reserve of the Caucasian. If any other party feels sufficiently humorous, they shall seek alternative settings to tell their jokes. The only appropriate setting is one where the comic is the presiding Mùthùngù.
If the Mùthùngù tells a joke, or appears to be telling a joke, all other parties present shall laugh. As such all those parties are advised to be very vigilant and look out for anything that appears as though it was meant to be a joke. They are also encouraged to be dramatic in their laughing.
The Mùthùngù, may at his own liberty, appoint a designated joke teller. A court jester if you may. The court jester is advised to lace all his jokes with both subtle and overt praises of the Caucasian to further ease the opening and looting of the coffers.
Here, sycophantic tendencies are not only admissible, they are encouraged.
The choice of physical location of any gathering shall lie with the Caucasian. If he shall decide in his infinite wisdom that drinks shall be had in a cowshed, then a cowshed it shall be. He shall be beyond reproach.
Also, the gathering shall begin and end at the pleasure of the Mùthùngù. His clock shall be right at all times and shall be assumed to be in tandem with the standardized caesium atom clock in France.
If a Mùthùngù’ shall experience a sudden drop in purchasing capabilities, then all attendant privileges shall be summarily withdrawn and bestowed upon the next most funded, and willing, Bro. If none is forthcoming, all parties shall from that point meet all their individual costs and the laws of equality and good brotherliness shall thus take effect.
No feelings shall be caught during the entirety of this exercise.
We shall delve into other matters concerning the same in subsequent publications.